2nd month

Again I didn't update my LJ a month, but I cannot persuade myself to do anything.
Tomorrow it will two months since my boyfriend died and moreover it will be two years since my step father died. Well that's good score. No... I am sorry that's not funny, but I must say that I feel much better...of course there are some terrible days, sometimes I realized there are mybe 60 years of life before me and that's too much.What will I do?
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I wrote a newCollapse )
but it is only in czech and so... celebrant that's maybe only for you!I hope you are well!

There is my new wallpaper with me and Tomas:

I promise that all my next updates will be happier :)
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  • Current Music
    Loreena McKennitt

Going on

My dear friends...on Thursday 17th it will be a month since I am alone. Burial will be that day. People say that I am strong, I think I am, but this time it hurts too much.
I didn't take care about him well. Once when we have been already together he said to me that he wished to die, that he couldn't see any future for him ( his mother ordered him to move) and he said that my pain would go away quickly and he was saying goodbye. That day I saved him, he stayed with me. He lived a while in my house. Why didn't I save him again?
You cannot imagine how I wish now to take care about someone, to save another person...
This picture shows my feelings, I think:

Now I am listening to the albums of Secret Garden, almost all the time. If you want listen to just a sample, you can:
  • Current Music
    Secret Garden

My suffering

Absolutely I don't know where to begin to tell you my terrible story. It has happened 17.4. 2007 when I lost my love. My boyfriend died.
On Tuesday 17th he didn't come home whole night and in the morning the next day I decided to go to find him on his favourite place in the edge of the forest, because I definetely knew that he would be there. I must say that I went there and I felt that he wasn't alive anymore. All his life he was sad and he already tried to kill himself.
I went to the place and I was calling him nonetheless I felt there wasn't no reason but still I couldn't get rid of my hope.
I found him where I expected. He was hanged. You cannot imagine my fear, I didn't know where I am, but still I managed to call the police and find a person who could tell me the name of the place. Nobody else didn't help me, nobody! But now I can say that I am proud of myself, I can go on in my life but I cannot get rid of the pain. I am trying to find the way to come back, continue where I had finished before I met him but...
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?"

He haven't had a burial yet. He was burnt with my letter to him with short poem, I tried to translate it even into English:

Měkkost kůže, vůně vlasů,
Láska za zvuku nepřejícných hlasů.
Jeho bojiště – v srdci nepokoj,
Se strachem žít sváděl boj,
Jeho štěstí byl jen klam,
Můj Tristan zemřel nešťastný a sám.

Gentle skin, scent of hair
Love, but a dissent in the air.
His battlefield – his heart hurt by knife
He fought with his undying fear of the life.
His happiness was just a lie of my own,
My Tristan died wretched and alone.

May the grace of the Valar protect him, he his peaceful now. I must beleive it!
Our photo:

Stop with sadness, there is my little coming back:
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  • Current Music
    Glenn Hansard

(no subject)

So long time since I have been here with you! I missed you very much again. I wish to the day have more then 24 hours!!! I am so busy...
Every day I am at school till 3pm then I am nearly flying at home to get some simple quick food then I must learn or sometimes I have to go for my sister. And in the evening I always go to my boyfriend where I stay long time. I must change it...
But still there is one thing to be happy-my new Collapse )
Firstly I must say that it is very sad or better to say grim-may be. I wrote it on my knee in the bus (and so it is a little simple) when I had terrible blues because couple of hours before I had argued with my boyfriend. And so I think now you could understand my inspiration ;)
But still there is a light in the deepest darkness :D This is my first poem without any mistake! I always send every my poem to my friend Catherine to England who correct it but this time-no need to correct!

I am sorry that I don't comment your posts...I feel terribly for that! :(
  • Current Music
    Loreena McKennitt

School started :(

Well my school time is here and so my free time is gone :) :) -all free time!
But the news: My boyfriend is healthy! He must take care about himself but he cannot do this and so I have many troubles to make him still.
My friend who was doing the tests is going to write other 4 and she will be finished until September but again I am very afraid of she won't pass...and then I will be at school alone again!
I am so busy that I think I won't survive! After couple of minutes I am going to a kindergarten for my small sister! :(

And...I suppose that there aren't any fan of Nirvana but...I made a wallpaper for my boyfriend, he likes Kurt Cobain, and so there it is:
  • Current Music
    Secret Garden *in love*

The end of holidays

My Dearest friends! I must beg your pardon but I think that I won't have any time to be here with you and comment your posts or write my own...
I am really busy, because my friend is doing very hard exams this week and unfortunately she didn't pass one of 4. But still I am teaching her and so there is always hope!And Saturday I am going to start a new job for weekends...
Then-I am really scared because my friend (or boyfriend...) is waiting to a report from a hospital and he could be very sick and so I pray for the good news!!!Everything I will know tomorrow...

Today is last day of August and so there is a small farewell to summer:
  • Current Mood
    scared scared

(no subject)

I wish happy last weeks of summer to all of you, my dear friends!
Well... last days I don't feel so good and it can be seen even in my icons ( you will see after a moment :) ) I do not want to speak about my problems..I want to make you happy a little bit and so there it is:
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(no subject)

Tagged by daisy_dreamer
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5.Don’t you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in yourcloset! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag five people

(Intimní osvětlení-1965, r I.Passer, Nejkrásnější věk-1968, r.J. Papoušek) Vznikají poetizované féerie a pamflety ( Sedmikrásky-1966, r. V. Chytilová, Mučedníci lásky-1966, r. J. Němec), dramata šedesátých let v sobě nesou velké citové nasazení, snahu po zprostředkování autentickeho prožitku a soucitnost (Trápení-1961, r. K. Kachyňa, Démanty noci-1964,r. J.Němec.

Well that's from the nearest book about Czech films-you know my passion to this art :)
It is a little shorter than 3 sentences 
I should translate it, shouldn't I?

(Intimate Light-1965, direction I.Passer, The Most Beautiful Age-1968, d. J.Papoušek) There arise lampoons ( Daisies-1966, d. V. Chytilová, Martyrs to Love-1966. d. J.Němec),
Dramas of 60. are full of big emotional setting, endeavour after show authentic experience and sympathy ( The Torment-1961, d. K.Kachyňa, Diamonds of Night- 1964, d. J. Němec.

Tag 5 people? I think everyone has been already tagged!
  • Current Music
    Lady in the Water
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